Amy Marash Interprets the “Five Stages of Grief”

According to Julie Axelrod of in her post on PsychCentral, “The stages of mourning and grief are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s own terminal illness or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of normal grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.”

I understand these stages better when I see Amy Marash’s artistic interpretation. You can see the rest of her “Five Stages of Grief” drawings at http://cancerissofunny.blogspot.com/2014/04/5-stages-of.html

And here’s a link to Axelrod’s post: http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

And if you love these drawings, be sure to check out her book, Cancer is SO FUNNY” - http://www.lulu.com/shop/amy-marash/cancer-is-so-funny/paperback/product-20010105.html

The five stages of grief – revised for normal people

According to Wikipedia, “the Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the five stages of grief, is a theory first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. 

The theory describes in five discrete stages a controversial, but well-known process by which people deal with grief and tragedy. Events triggering grief might include being diagnosed with a terminal illness or enduring a catastrophic loss. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.”

After close and objective scrutiny of my own feelings about my recent thyroid surgery, my brain tumor and prior melanoma, I feel that I’m an expert on this subject and, therefore, am postulating a new and improved version of the five stages.

1. Rage at the system – This is when you decide that you’ve been a tool of the military-industrial complex all your life and you decide that you’re not going to take this any longer!

Key symptoms: Victims are seen opening up their windows and screaming “'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!' Style points are given for doing the best imitation of Howard Beale as played by Peter Finch.

2. The Dionysus Diversion – Dionysus was the Greek god of wine. He was also known as the “Liberator”, freeing one from one's normal self, by madness, ecstasy, wine or some interesting combination of the three.

Key symptoms: Victims are often seen playing “beer pong” to excess, running up unbelievably bar tags and having mind-bending hangovers.

3. Old boyfriend/girlfriend phone calls – Tied to the Dionysus Diversion, victims get plastered and then have what they think is an epiphany about that old boyfriend or girlfriend, and decided to share it with them.

Key symptoms: Somebody you haven’t heard from in ten to twenty years calls you in the middle of the night; claims that you were the best thing they ever had and wants to get back together for their (potentially) few remaining days on this earth. I mean, really, who’s going to refuse a visit from an old friend with a brain tumor?

4. Bucket List Fulfillment Frenzy – Often started during the “Dionysus Diversion”, the “Bucket List Fulfillment Frenzy” starts with the victim’s decision that he/she is not going to die until they cross off at least five more items on their bucket list.

Key symptoms: The victim has just stuffed themselves into a pair of skin-tight jeans and bought a one-way plane ticket for Las Vegas, Paris or Bangkok.

5. Dream Day At Work – When the victim shows up at work after a night of beer ponging and tells everybody, and I mean everybody, what they really think of them. 

Key symptom:  The victim marches into the center of the office and articulately explains a) who’s been sleeping with whom to get ahead, b) who’s been forging their expense reports and c) who’s been stabbing whom in the back. 

While this list feels reasonably comprehensive, please let me know if I've missed anything.

The movie 50/50 and pre-operation jitters

For me, everything prior to the operation I classify as “fear of the unknown”, and everything after the operation has felt like “fear of the known”.

 

How so?

The big questions regarding my tumor weren’t going to be answered until “The Good Doctor” cut me open and looked. Then, and only then, would we have answers to: “Is it benign or cancerous?”, “How far has it penetrated?”, “What other problem did she find?” and “What capabilities will I regain and which are gone forever?” (e.g. my full eyesight).

If you want to lose sleep at night, all you have to do is think a little too hard about all the things that can go wrong in an upcoming major operation. I did. It’s hard not to.

Fear of the “known” is different in that now you know all too well what your problem, is and you’re staying up nights trying to figure out how to deal with it.

The movie 50/50 does a nifty job of painting the emotional landscape of “fear of the unknown”. For me, that landscape includes the “Five Stages of Grief” - denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance - and I felt that different characters showed different stages of grief at different times (i.e. for an explanation of the unproven yet well-known Kübler-Ross model, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model ).

In terms of “denial”, I felt that Seth Rogen’s character was in denial during much of the movie. Yes, he was being the good buddy by trying to cheer up “Adam” (i.e. Joseph-Gordon Levitt’s character), but I felt that he hadn’t really accepted the severity of Adam’s sickness. On the other hand, Adam seemed to be surprisingly “accepting” until the night before the operation when he goes a little berserk (“anger”).

I’d also argue that Adam’s mom, played by Anjelica Huston, demonstrated a lot of bargaining behavior, like wanting to brew him some green team as if by doing so it would “fix” something.

 “Depression?” Yeah, I saw much of that in his portrayal of Adam, too.

Did I hit these stages of grief prior to surgery? You betcha! Like Adam I skipped “bargaining”, but I dialed up “denial” before I even knew what was going on. Or, perhaps better said, to deny what was really going on.

My emotional roller coaster ride dove into depression, bounced up into anger and dove back down again several times before leveling out into “acceptance”.

If you haven’t seen the movie, I recommend that you do. The characters are flawed and more “real” than your typical Hollywood movie. The situation is serious, but like a good Shakespearean drama, it finds plenty of opportunities for comic relief without trivializing the situation.